TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be remarkable. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed with the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have had lovely ceasefires in Syria. Several of the best. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely from put. Made by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable h2o. But Sure, confident, let us have A different put exactly where American Adult males can dress in robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though previous negotiations unsuccessful under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: offer everyone a collection over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is comfortable electric power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, Trump Tower Damascus mostly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each individual device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open up a tower within a war zone. It really is that he really should prevent using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regards to the undertaking, replied, "You understand, gentleman, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Very good men and women. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head visible from Room, a feature becoming promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents as well as the chin is… effectively, categorised.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits following acquiring the making's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not simply ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Perplexing Attributes


Perhaps the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium the place attendees may ponder obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Regional Syrians are unsure what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Technique: "When you Bomb It, They are going to Appear"


The advert campaign, not long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Permanently."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "where by's the closest elevator to your West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is previously attracting focus from international buyers, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also involve:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to hold out to view a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a lodge where by my PTSD may have switch-down provider."


A different submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Feelings in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It necessary gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave it all three. You happen to be welcome."

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